Chaos...

The only word I can think to describe Baby C's coming home is wonderful unorganized chaos! The type of chaos that leaves zero room to write, or blog or even keep up with the outside world. Are you there world? :)

Finally home!

Baby C is finally home...

Baby C

Baby C is coming home tomorrow!

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune... without the words,
And never stops at all ... Emily Dickinson

Five!

Five days...

Crazy scared. Crazy anxious. Crazy emotional. Crazy stressed. Crazy crazy.

Little Yellow Chicken

While I was cleaning out the nursery closet, I found a little yellow chicken that was bought for Aven by her Aunt C prior to me finding out I was pregnant with Aven. Surprisingly, it made me really happy to find it, I forgot all about it to tell you the truth. I am excited that Baby C will get to have something that belonged to big sister. I think it is pretty special that I will get to pass the little yellow chicken to our future child. Every time I look at it now, and yes I have looked at it a lot since I found it, it gives me hope. It may sound absurd that a stuffed little yellow chicken could do that to a person but it is much needed right now because this wait is torture.

In 2 weeks, something life changing is going to happen to us. Either Baby C will finally be home or, we will begin grieving the little baby that we have been receiving updates and pictures on for the past 21 days. Both events will have a significant impact on us and therefore the next couple of weeks are going to be really tough. The anxiety, anxiousness, fear, excitement are already in full swing and there are no signs that it will let up until the day is here.

So for now, I will just stare at the little yellow chicken...

Always,

April

Cupcakes!

One of my favorite shower pictures, tasty cupcakes to match Baby C's crib bedding. What an amazing and awesome day today. Love. Love. Love!

Shower time!

Tomorrow is our adoption shower. Excited! Excited! Excited! And a tad nervous. I am more nervous about the questions that will be asked of us. People are not trying to be nosy or intrusive but adoption just makes random phrases and questions fly out of peoples mouths that sometimes don't warrant a response because they are really personal. People love us and care about us which is why they ask so many questions but there are still parts of our adoption process that belong to Baby C. If Baby C wants to tell you one day, he will. Excited! Excited! Nervous! Excited!

Meeting Baby...

Monday we had the chance to meet and hold baby 27 hours after he was born. And yes, baby is a HE. He is the most beautiful little boy and there was just no way we were going to walk into that hospital room and not fall in love with him immediately. V and her family have been wonderful. We had the chance to sit and talk with V's mother as well as have a conversation with V's father. V's family is very supportive of V's plan for adoption. After 2 hours, we had to leave baby and V. It was not easy to say goodbye to any of them. V gave us the first hat he wore so that we had something of his while we were apart from each other. I can't explain how in awe I was to sit and watch D feed and hold baby. It took my breath away but it was peaceful at the same time.

We have been in contact with V since having baby and we know how hard it was for V to make the second decision to stick with her adoption plan, and she has. So far, things are still a go and we are all hoping December comes quickly so that baby can finally come home.

V and baby!

V had her baby today!! We heard from V several times during her very long labor process. We had the chance to speak to her via phone today prior to and after birth of baby. We heard baby cry as baby was weighed and heard baby scream during baby's first bath. We are hoping we will get to see V tomorrow as well as baby. We wish we could open the champagne now and celebrate this amazing moment and though we are enjoying it and realize how special it is, the reality is that baby is still V's baby.

We still have a long road to go before we know if this baby is Baby C or not. We are hopeful but V has a very big decision to make, again. V decided she wanted us to parent in September when we were matched together but V once again will have to decide before she leaves the hospital if this is still her plan. We then get to wait until December for V to decide a 3rd time if we are still to be baby's parents and only then will we truly know if this really is Baby C. Adoption is not an easy road but when Baby C is finally in our arms, we will appreciate how lengthy our road was.

Even though I write about how we have to be realistic about things, our hearts are already invested. There is no way around that. My head can tell my heart all day long to stay quiet and calm but my heart wins everytime.

"If I had to run, if I had to crawl

If I had to swim a hundred rivers, just to climb a thousand walls,

Always know that I would find a way, to get to where you are,

There's no place that far." ~ Sara Evans

Always,

April

Gender Neutral Cupcake!

I love it when the door bell rings and it is someone carrying a gift! We received our first shower gift and actually seeing it brought into the house made me happy and anxious. Imagine that. Our parents have spoiled us and purchased all of our big baby needs and the rest is just extra special icing on the gender neutral cupcake.

We are having an Approved and Waiting shower soon. We are both excited and nervous about it. The shower was planned prior to our match so the shower is for Baby C. We hope we will meet Baby C soon but only time will tell. Either way, Baby C is going to need a room with things so we are going to just build the room and get ready in hopes that sometime in this lifetime we will put it all to use.

We are still very excited and hopeful about V but we also have to be realistic that the shower we look forward to attending soon is for any future Baby C that comes into our lives. So with that, bring on the gender neutral cupcakes!

V squared

Today we had lunch with V and her sister V who is now V2. V and V2 are so much alike in their sense of humors and in their amazing personalities! We learned so much about V today because she was more comfortable and in her own element. We also got a peek at her day to day life. We did a lot of talking about baby and what we all want our future to look like as two families connected through adoption. We knew our adoption would always be semi open but now that we have had the chance to get to know V a little more and her sister, we feel like our adoption is moving more towards completely open rather than semi open. So far, V's adoption plan and our match is working out perfectly. The next plan is to see V again in the next two weeks or so...and already, we can't wait!!!

Wednesday!

We are having lunch with V and her sister tomorrow! Yay! I am excited :)

Still hanging in...

We are still hanging in! My stress level has increased a tad and no matter how many times I tell myself to just take a deep breath and breathe it is sorta difficult to remain calm and composed. Something is going to happen soon and it is either going to turn our world inside out in a wonderfully chaotic way or we will have some heartbreak and go back to waiting... Pins and needles!! AAAHHH! Time for a cup of chamomile tea and a chill pill... Deeeeeeep breath! AAAHHH!

V Day!

We had a lovely lunch with V today! My nerves were wired for the majority of the morning but because both our caseworker and V's adoption caseworker were with us during lunch, it went pretty well and the nerves calmed but only just a little.

V is as funny in person as she is on the phone. We plan to see her again soon because V really wants us to meet her older sister before baby is born. It is important to her that we get to know each other as much as possible which of course, I love!

V is a very caring person and D and I feel pretty blessed to have her in our lives now. If anything, she has given us a renewed hope.

Take a deep breath in and let it out...

Yesterday, I had a smack me in the face sort of moment in regards to the adoption roller coaster. Nothing out of the ordinary happened and I was just going about my day, every once in a while thinking about the million things I should be doing in preperation for what could possibly happen to us in the next 80 days, when a familiar unwelcomed feeling snuck in.

What if this doesn't happen? What if V decides to parent? What if this isn't baby C. What then? Sure V wants us to parent baby now but V will have to decide to pick us as parents one more time after she gives birth. Just because we fit, have a connection now doesn't mean anything other than that. For now. Come November, who knows what the cards will be or what the future holds.

I had to take a deep deep deeeeep breath and let it out. I told myself to let go. I have zero control in what goes on from here. All I can do is be as positive as I can be, be hopeful and let go. What will be, will be.

Always,

April

Meeting V!

The nerves have 5 days to build. We are having lunch with V on Tuesday! My goal is to not be a fruit loop and to just be me but when you allow five whole days to let the nerves fester no telling what will transpire. Needless to say, I am excited!

V

D and I had a chance to have a phone conversation with the expectant mother who we will now refer to as V. We were very nervous as usual but V made it very easy to chat with her. V is a very witty, funny and bright young lady that is extremely excited that we found each other. Because D and I have been through a match before that ended with A deciding to parent, we know that the outcome of this match could disrupt like last time. The difference with this match is that we don't have any reservations about V.  Not one! We both whole heartedly feel that V's heart is in the right place and that her adoption plan is important to her.

We have two options, we can go into this match guarded and try our best to not get attached to V and baby or we can go all in and let ourselves be hopeful and excited that V and baby are meant to be apart of our lives forever. No matter which way we go about it, in the end if this match doesn't work out and V decides to parent, our hearts will be just as broken any which way you look at it.

Therefore, we have decided we are going ALL IN. We are going to be excited and hopeful that this little baby was put on this earth just for us. We are hopeful that by this Christmas, baby C will be home!

Little souls find their way to you whether they are from your womb or someone else's ~ Sheryl Crow

 

Yay!

We are officially matched! Yay! I am too excited to elaborate right now but YAY!!

A little news...

A little news in adoptionland, there is an expectant mother mulling over our family profile book this week. We realize we are not the only family she has decided to look at but it makes us a little hopeful that at least something is happening. We aren't sure what will happen next or if anything will come of this little flurry of activity, so as usual (and yes my foot is tapping on the ground as I type), we wait. Waiting is fun with a capital F. F is for Fun. Waiting, waiting, waiting...

104...

I am not sure how high the wait will go but today we are at 104. I have nothing to share except that I have regained the will to know. Yup. I am back to being "in the know". I am not sure that means anything but still.... At least if something does happen it won't be a surprise to me. My will to know weighs more than my heart being hurt if that makes any sense....so for now, as usual, we wait...

Nope...

No news and still waiting...

This is the worst! At least with pregnancy, you have an end date or an expectant date. With adoption, the "pregnancy" part last for months and years even. I would much rather have an end date but that is not how it works... Ugh. Until then you basically live in "pause" mode...

Always,

April

80!

We have been approved and waiting for 80 days. This number is small. Families wait years to match sometimes. Seeing the daily number helps me to realize that 80 really isn't so far into the process. It just reminds me that when I can't find His hand that I need to trust His heart...

Always,

April

A puzzler and a pass...

Yesterday D sent me a message while I was at work with a request to call him about something important. I already knew what it was about because D never does anything like that. D said he was presented with a potential match by our caseworker but there were issues that we hadn't yet discussed when it came to birth mom in question. It was a puzzler for sure. D and I thought about it all day and talked about it a great deal last night with each other and with the pediatrician we have selected. We both decided that the potential birth mom just wasn't "the one" for us. There were too many variables that came into play that left us both feeling unsettled.

Today, I feel we made the right decision and passed on the potential birth mom. I know that particular birth mother will find a perfect adoptive couple for her baby. She is in good hands with our agency. I am sure when 2 weeks passes by and we are once again in the middle of waiting for a potential call that I will question the decision we made already knowing it was the absolute correct and appropriate one for us. So yes, the waiting continues...on to day 78...

73 days.

You guessed it, we are still waiting to be matched! This makes the 73rd day of waiting and yes like a crazy person I know it has been 73 days. It has been slightly torturous to say the very least. My motivation to continue buying and decorating a nursery has dwindled significantly and I have pretty much stopped. I can say that even though I haven't talked to our adoption caseworker that we have had zero action and D has verified my suspicions that we were getting nowhere pretty darn fast. The difference between D and myself is that D knows things will happen in due time and I, on the other hand, am not so sure I believe it so much anymore. Annoyed and tired but not yet defeated.

Ugh,

A

Trust His Heart.

So when you don't understand...
When you don't see His plan...
When you can't trace His hand...
Trust His heart.

A nibble and no bite...

On Monday, our adoption caseworker called with a potential birth family for us to consider. She gave us a few basics about the birth family. Based on the information the caseworker gave, we decided to have our profile sent to the potential birth mother. The birth mother and birth father live in Florida. We knew that if this was our match and our baby, we would have to go to great lengths to make the long treck to Florida to meet her. She received our file along with 5 others.

After two days of waiting and wondering, we learned that the potential birth mother decided to parent. While we were excited that someone could potentially match with us so soon after our last failed match, we were a little disappointed that we are now waiting again. I have to remind myself that our child is out there, and that baby just wasn't him or her.

On the up side, we now don't have to hop on a plane to Florida at the last minute only to wait out the mandatory 48 hour time period to find out if birth mom would decide to parent or if we would be driving, yes driving, home with a newborn across several state lines. Don't get me wrong, I would travel to the end of the earth and back for my child. But I am just sayin' ...

As far as future potential matches go, I am going to give up my power so to speak. I have asked our adoption caseworker to not contact me in regards to potential birth mothers and instead to contact D. I get easily excited and thus easily deflated with possible news and I am going to give myself a little break for the mean time and allow D to manuver in the driver's seat. D is not going to notify me of when our adoption caseworker calls unless she brings up a scenario he isn't sure about. This should be interesting...I am not sure how long I can manage to "not know" but I am going to give it a shot. My heart and my head both need a time out to just be for a little while.

So for now, I will continue to decorate the nursery and find as many distractions as I can while the time passes. The decorating part is not going quickly by any means so for a little while I will be distracted... I think.

Always,

April

Learning as we go...

On Friday, D and I had the pleasure of attending a wonderful dinner party. The dinner party was a "waiting and approved" dinner party for families that are waiting to either be matched with a birth mom or are waiting of the arrival of their baby after already being matched. Our adoption agency has a family association in our area and we are delighted to be apart of it. We had the opportunity to have dinner and chat with not only other couples going through our same process but the president of our adoption agency as well as the author of the book Hope Deferred. The author, Andrea Harrington, gave us a brief glimpse into her own adoption journey. She shared with us the blunt honest truth as well as tips that she learned along the way of what adoptive couples should share with others and the details that should be kept private for sanity's sake. I walked away from our dinner Friday feeling hopeful and a little proud.

I left hopeful because not only were there couples "waiting" like us but there were several couples that just completed their adoption match. It helped my head as much as it did my heart to see how wonderful things will be when our time finally does come. It also gave me a sense of comfort because we now have new families that will be apart of our lives from this day forward. There will always be someone we can call when a question arises in regards to adoption. What do you do when the kindergarten teacher asks for a family tree project for school and part of the assignment is to paste newborn pictures of our child that we may not have? What do you do when your child asks you about the night they were born? It dawned on me from the get go that there would be situations that D and I would have to face with our child that biological parents won't. I am relieved that we are not going into this alone, we are far from alone. I know there will be challenges and I know there will be bumps in the road, but that can be said for any family regardless of how they are built only our family bumps will just be a teeny bit different.

I left feeling proud because one of the things Andrea shared with us was that she wished she had found a way to let friends, coworkers and family know general statuses about her adoption process all at once instead of having told anyone and everyone every single nail biting detail only to regret it later when every 20 seconds she was asked "So have you heard anything yet?!." Hence, this blog! She had wished she only allowed a small select group of people to ride the roller coaster of emotions, ups and downs of the journey. It is a daunting ride and most people don't have the heart to sit and watch as your emotions are up and excited one day and deflated and crushed the next when plans change or birth matches have a disruption.

I am relieved I started this blog. I do want my friends and family to know what is going on with our adoption, even if it is just the general overview of it. I realize I don't post on this blog often and that is mostly because there really is nothing to report until there is actually something to report. Yes, odd. I am still learning what I "should" tell and what I "shouldn't" tell. We are a work in progress yet...

I am thankful to my friends and family for caring enough to ask about our process and for being wise enough to know that if I had good news to share, trust me I wouldn't wait 2.5 seconds before sharing it with you. I am thankful to my closest and dearest friend for braving it out and riding this roller coaster with me. The exciting, sad, overwhelming and good parts and even if it is just by text message alone. I am thankful to our parents that are excited about what our future holds and for already celebrating the grandchild that hasn't even arrived in our arms yet. If we haven't told any of you thank you for your support, it is not because we are not thinking it but it is because the words simply fail to do justice of our appreciation. ♥

Always,

April

My fortune for the day...

The keys to patience are acceptance and faith.

Accept things as they are, and look realistically at the world around you.

Have faith in yourself and in the direction you have chosen.



...and the waiting continues..

I never knew I was this impatient, but apparently I am. After our match failed last week, our adoption caseworker asked us if we would like some time to deal with this loss because a match failing is indeed another loss and of hope being squashed again. I immediately said no. I said we will deal with this loss together but I didn't want our adoption process put on hold any longer than necessary.

It has been a week and we have heard nothing which isn't abnormal at all but it still stinks. Waiting as I said before, is no fun at all. I am trying to find things to do with myself in the mean time and so far my focus is on the nursery. I have picked out a bedding set and ordered it. I wouldn't have ever done a gender specific room to begin with so my buying neutral baby bedding wasn't difficult for me to do at all. Picking out which pattern I wanted or which style I wanted, well that was another story. I must have stared at hundreds before I finally decided on one. It was shipped today and should be at my house in a few days.

I am excited about it. I am excited to start and finish a nursery. I know that may sound odd to some but I can't just sit around and do nothing. I have to do something productive and just sitting here is not productive. After the nursery is finished, I will have to find a new project. I will deal with that when the time comes though... until then, I am off to babyland.

Always,

April

Done.

I am sad to write that our match with A is officially done. A had baby on the 4th of July. We found out this afternoon that A has officially decided to parent the baby which makes our match with A officially over. I am mad and sad and mad and sad and mad and sad. D reminded me as well as many of our friends and family that it only means the baby that is meant to be with us was not the one that A was carrying. We wish A and baby the very best.

So for now... we are a "waiting" family again. Waiting for a match and hopefully next time it will be the perfect match.

Always,

April

Wise words.

No vision and you perish;
No ideal, and you're lost;
Your heart must ever cherish
Some faith at any cost.
Some hope, some dream to cling to,
Some rainbow in the sky,
Some melody to sing to,
Some service that is high.

~Harriet Du Autermont

No news...

Waiting is no fun. We don't have any updates to share but we are slowly but surely trying to prepare for whatever happends. It is difficult to not become emotionally invested, almost impossible really.

As far as we know, A is still waiting for baby to make an entrance. Until baby is born there is nothing to do but twiddle our thumbs...Oh! And watch the gazillion trainings we have to finish as well as preparing a nursery, finding a pediatrician and dealing with health insurance.

Side note: If anyone dares to assume that adoption is easy. They are dead wrong!

Officially Matched!

D and I had lunch with our caseworker, A, A's sister and brother in law today. I was nervous as expected. I told D and our caseworker beforehand that I wanted to have a quick lunch and get out of there as quick as I could. My thought was that the least amount of talking we had to do or that I had to do, the better for all parties involved. I was completely floored when we left the restaurant 2 hours later. The time just flew by. I learned that A is hilarious! I laughed so much and smiled so much by pure accident that my face hurt when I left the restaurant. After our 2 hour lunch I discovered there were many things I had in common with A. D and I were absolutely delighted to meet her. I will say that after having known her even for a second, if this doesn't end up working out I will be disappointed because I think she is such a fantastic person. A is one of those people that can smile and the whole room lights up. D and I are still aware that A may change her mind but for the time being she has officially picked us to be the family for her baby.

We are an officially matched family!!!

Being officially matched means that no other birth mother is allowed to look at our family book and we are off the market so to speak. Our picture is still posted on the agency's website for people to see but that is all. Our picture will remain there until we are driving off into the sunset with a baby in our car seat.

We are excited but at the same time, the red flags are still there. We do know that A has tried adoption before and changed her mind after delivering her previous baby to parent therefore we cannot get our hopes up completely. It is not done, until it is done.

I will say this though.. I am still glad to have met A. She has a great sense of humor and is a very bright spirit in this world. Whatever happens, it was just destined to be that way.

While we were sitting in the parking lot of the restaurant, a hummingbird flew from the trees. Hummingbirds to me are little signs, signs from someone up above, looking down on me reminding me that things really will be okay.

Always,

April

Blind Sided

We received a phone call from our adoption caseworker on Wednesday letting us know that the birth mother that looked at our book has once again changed her mind about adoption and is open to it again....maybe. The birth mom, who I will now refer to as A, requested to speak to us on the phone. Our adoption caseworker asked us if we were willing to speak to A knowing that she is not sure yet about what she wants to do. Both D and I feel that even though this is a crazy, emotional and possible life altering decision, she could potentially be the person that is looking for us and us for her. Because this is the second time we have heard about A, it now feels like we are sort of like a boomerang in that we keep hearing about A and that she keeps coming back into our lives.

We had nice conversation with A this evening. I was extremely nervous and ran out of things to talk about the first 2 minutes into the conversation. Lucky for us, A is a talker. A told us that she really liked our family book and requested to meet us in person.

Because A is due in the very near future, as in SEVEN DAYS FROM TODAY, we are going to meet her sometime next week. We will not be meeting A alone though. We will be going to lunch with A, her caseworker and our adoption caseworker. Both D and I have no idea what to expect. It is one thing to have a conversation on the phone for 30 minutes where you can't see people's expressions and body language but a whole other to sit for an hour or so eating a meal together. It should be interesting.

D and I are happy that things are moving along pretty smoothly but we also are extremely cautious and guarded. A is a nice person from the little we know about her but A has said herself that she is not sure what she wants to do. There is still a great great GREAT possibility that A will decide to parent her baby. Therefore, we are not jumping around in our seats just yet or ordering cribs of any sort. The good news is that we will at least know in about 2 weeks if she is either going to pick us to care for baby or if she will be the one caring for baby.

One thing that we did tell A before we disconnected our call is that no matter what the outcome is, A will always be part of our adoption story because she was the first birth mother we had the chance to get to know and no matter what happens in the end, that will not change.

Always,

April

Little things...

D and I are slowly starting to get ready. Though we aren't certain when our time will come, we are certain that there are still tasks we have to complete prior to baby. There are a good number of trainings we have to attend and complete by a certain point. Some of the trainings have to be completed before they will allow us to leave the hospital with our newborn child and some have to be completed at least within the first six months after our newborn has been home. We have completed 2.5 trainings and still have SEVERAL to go. I am proud of us for at least doing what we have done but at the same time, we know we need to step it up so that we aren't scrambling at the last minute. I hate scrambling. I am such the planner that having something looming over my head like this doesn't sit well.

Yesterday, we ran errands and while looking for clothes for Lola, we stopped to look at a car seat and pack-n-play. Granted, this only lasted a second before I moved us along, it was still a little progress from avoiding the baby aisle all together. I think one of my biggest fears at this point in the adoption process is that we will plan a nursery, buy all of the items we want and need and then it sits vacant for years. I am still on the fence about where we should be as far as planning a new arrival because we have zero time frame to work with. I have one foot in the baby aisle and one foot trying on a new pair of shoes.

Still on the road...

We received the official notice from our adoption caseworker today about the birth mother that viewed our family book. She has decided she is going to try and parent her unborn baby herself.

This was no surprise to me and D. Because the birth mom is no longer a mom that will have any future in our lives, I can share a little about her. She is 25 years old and this was her 3rd pregnancy. The first baby she had, her family raised for her. The second baby she had, the birth father raised on his own. This third baby she is pregnant with, she is going to attempt to parent herself. Because we knew she had been through all of this and was on the fence about adoption, D and I both knew not to get our hopes up. We know the decision she made was right for her which in turn the decision was right for us.

When it is our time and it is our baby that was destined to be with us, the wait won't be as it was this time around.

We really are happy that our file was shown just 2 weeks after going live and we really are excited about the future birth mother, birth family, forever child that is waiting out there for us.

All in due time, all in due time.

Someday...

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

E.Y. Harburg

Waiting in line...

On Tuesday, I was standing in line at a store paying for the items I was purchasing when I received a phone call. The phone call was from our adoption caseworker. She asked me if I had a minute to chat with her. I was expecting her to ask me "mock" questions about a potential birth mother. Our plan was to "practice" what it would be like when we actually got a real call on how D and I would decide to allow a potential birth mother to view our family album. Both D and I agreed that we could use the practice so that we would know how to handle the situation.

This was not a drill. This was not a "mock" trial. This was real life. The caseworker gave me information on a potential mother and inquired if it would be okay to allow her to view our family book so that she could decide if we were what she was looking for as far as potential parents for her unborn child. It was strange but exciting to hear all about her. We gave permission to the caseworker to allow our file to be shown to her. And now...we wait. In case you haven't gotten a clue yet, we are going to wait a LOT.

It was exciting to have our file looked at only 2 weeks after going "live" but at the same time both D and myself are leery and aren't overly exciting about it all since this will probably not be the first time we have our file looked at. We would hope that we are matched within a reasonable period of time but at the same time, we want it to be right. We want to be comfortable that we made the right decision, for ourselves and for our waiting child.

I received an update from the caseworker yesterday letting me know that the birth mother still hasn't made a decision yet but the birth mother is now thinking of trying to parent her unborn child herself. Whatever happens over the next few days, will not be the end by any means. Both D and myself are probably more excited that our file was looked at already and hopefully that it is a sign of things to come.

I wasn't sure I wanted to post this information and put it all out there but at the same time I wanted someone to know. I kept some of the information to myself and I probably won't post each time someone looks at our family book because after a while it may get old but because this was a FIRST for us, I had to share.

Always,

April

Over the rainbow...

Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue, and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true...

Lyman Frank Baum

Snail like...

I discovered last night that our adoption profile is listed on a couple of adoption websites. I was thrilled, excited, nervous and scared when I stumbled on our picture. I know we gave permission to our agency to do this for us but I guess I never really believed it was going to actually go out there for potential birth mothers or whoever to see. I think a part of me is still in denial that this really is going to all work out one day, the way it was destined to, but at the same time another part of me knows we really are going to have to buy a car seat and a crib in the event we are called because it is our time and our little missing family member has arrived. We can either wait until the last minute and not be prepared at all or we can buy everything we need so that we are not scrambling like crazy people when the phone call comes in. I am such the planner that you would think I would be all over this but alas I am moving like a snail. Because we are only less than two weeks into the waiting game, I won't worry and let my Type A personality take over yet. I will move like a snail for the meantime and today I will just appreciate that we are moving forward, on our destined path.

~ April

June is here...

♥

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

♥

 -E.M. Forester

We are live!

After turning in every single document you can think of, physicals, a statement of faith, several references, a home study, and a family photo album... I am happy to share that we are our officially approved and waiting as of May 26, 2011.

The agency we selected is pretty fantastic and has been around for over a hundred years. As far as where we go from here, well D and I have tons of things to do to get ready. We have trainings to attend to and books to read just to keep ourselves current on all things that we will eventually be faced with as adoptive parents as well as the regular things that couples expecting a baby have to buy and do.

The waiting process entails well...us waiting. We will wait until an expecting birthmother selects us and the agency matches us. It is a process that occurs on both of our ends. The birthmother will pick us but we also have to essentially pick her too. Everything she is looking for in adoptive parents for her baby has to match what D and I are looking for in an expecting mother. If there isn't a match on both of our ends, then we continue to wait until our perfect match comes along and that birthmother will continue to search for a couple that she would like to parent her child. There really isn't a timeline as far as how quickly we will be matched. It may take months or it may take years. We also aren't in a big hurry. We want our match to be perfect. We want to be comfortable and confident that we made the right decision but also that the birthmother made the right decision for the child she is carrying.

Because it is so new and less than a week old, I am just excited that we made it to this point. If you would have asked me 3 months ago when I thought this day would come, well I would have told you probably never. My optimism runs low most days but I am thankful I have D by my side. D is the eternal optimist and always reminds me how far we have come and in the span of six months, we have come pretty darn far!

I am going to say it again because it just sounds so great...and of course when I say it in my head it really is to the tune of how Saturday Night Live opens their show... WE ARE LIVE!

Destiny and hope...

I have been debating with myself for several months about sharing our adoption process with more than just D, and our four legged fur baby, Lola. We want our family and friends to know what is going on but at the same time we want to still lead our normal lives not getting wrapped in the whole "waiting" part of it all. 

D and I have had many conversations that many couples expecting biological children will never have to have. The process has been eye opening, exciting, nerve wracking and very much like a roller coaster with its ups, downs, twists and turns.  

I have struggled with fertility issues for some time now. After D and I lost our daughter at 20 weeks, he and I both decided almost simultaneously but without conversing with each other, that we wanted to adopt. D sent me an article in November of 2010 about a couple that chose to adopt a baby. It was an extremely sweet and touching article. I mentioned to D that even before he sent the article to me that I was already thinking about it on my own. I won't be able to describe the moment but it was almost comical and eerie that we both had been thinking the exact same thing at the exact same time as if it was always meant to be.

I think many people that hear the word adoption assume that it was a last resort for couples, and maybe their only way to have a child. Sure, for some that really is the case. There isn't anything wrong with that and it is actually a blessing for all parties involved. But for D and myself, this is a choice we made and one that we made with our hearts first, and heads second. We could have and still can decide to do fertility treatments and continue the IVF path to build our family but that isn't the path our hearts are telling us to follow.

We both feel, that for some strange yet undeniable reason, there is a baby waiting for us who was always meant to be with us and we just haven't found each other yet. We hope that people don't feel sorry for us and hope that others share in our excitement. We also hope that people realize that if it wasn't for our sweet Aven, D and I would have never found this path. It is almost as if she chose the path for us.

I am going to try my best to keep Aven's blog just for Aven and this blog just about our adoption process, our thoughts on it, the issues that we will and do struggle with, the things we want others to know and of course the joys. I realize it is easier for me to say this than to actually put it into practice but I am going to do my best. I also realize that I will probably have very little to say on this blog and that it won't be updated regularly. Sometimes there really will be nothing to say...until then, we wait.

Always,

April

Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul,

and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all. 

~ Emily Dickinson~